Distressed in Bed

My BF may or may not be drunk, but either way we’re fighting.  Seriously. Over the phone. Im not sure if we can get past this hurdle. It hurts so much more after our deep connection the other day. When we were able to listen to each other. To hear beyond the words. Now I feel like I’m talking in circles. How can we be so close yet still struggle to understand each other?  

I hurt and the tears won’t stop. 

The thoughts spinning through my head, is this it for us? Can I let this continue? Do I need to be strong and step away? Or is this just a normal fight? A stepping stone along the way? 

I don’t want us to end, but do I want us to go on? 
R

Emotionally Exhausting

Today has been draining.

My boyfriend and I have been having a lot of little snaps lately, most of them about stupid little things that don’t even matter in the scheme of things. It didn’t come as a surprise then, when it started happening today, despite my mental notes to be less of a bitch. The argument began, then it got worse.

 

I started voicing some of the ‘darker’ thoughts I’d been having about our relationship, mainly questioning if it was working. I brought up that I felt unappreciated, that he didn’t want to be a part of my life since he never stayed at mine and barely knows my family, that sometimes the way he says things and reacts makes me feel like he thinks I’m stupid. In return he told me that it makes him feel like shit when I tell useless white lies. TBH I hadn’t even realised that I’d been doing that.

Most of it was me airing stuff that had been bothering me for a little while, things that again were little and had just built up over time because I had bottled it up inside, and he had too. I cried for a bit, but he listened to me, told me that it was important for me to be able to speak up about how I was feeling, and that despite that some of what I was saying was hurtful, that he needed to hear what I had to say. And I love him for that.

I ended up laughing with tears streaming down my face, and somehow ended a conversation about what wasn’t working in our relationship confessing that I wanted to move out with him. And despite my sniffling and red sunburnt face, this deeply caring man who’d just listened to me complain for over an hour stood up, grabbed my face and told me that he wanted that too.

 

I just wish that I was able to do more to help him through his own struggles. How do you help someone feel that they are loved and have friends who really do care about them?

 

Anyway that’s all I can manage right now,

Xx
R

Back At It

Hey lovelies 🙂

Yesterday was my first day back at silks this year and it was absolutely fantastic! I was obviously a bit out of practice but I spent at least half of my 1.5 hours actually on the silks themselves. My hands and feet hurt, and my arms are a little sore but I really think I need to begin pushing harder. This might be hard though as I’ve heard that the beginners group that I’m in on Wednesday’s is absolutely packed atm with all the new year resolutioners. I just hope that I’ll still have time to work out with there being more than 4 people per silk.

 

In other news I’ve started losing the weight I gained from being a couch potato the entire time I was visiting my mum for our belated Christmas. I popped up to 70kgs over those days, and am currently back down to 67.7kgs, YYYAAAAAYYY! That means that I am 2.7kgs away from my target weight. I’m in no rush to loose that weight mind you. Right now I’m focusing on trying to eat healthier foods by incorporating more leafy greens, fruit and leaner meats into my everyday routines as well as trying to up my workouts to 3 times a week. My third workout may be more focused in flexibility rather than strength or cardio, because the place where I do aerial offers a flex class on Monday nights and does a discount for the Lyra, Silks and Pole people 🙂

 

OH also! My BF was given a PS4 yesterday by one of his bestfriends since they received a PS4 Pro for their birthday! Meaning that FINALLY I’ll be able to play Uncharted 4! 😀 I’ve only been wanting to play it since I first heard they were making another one haha! I may be a little bit obsessed with this series ❤

Anyway, that’s about all for now, I’ll give you all another update when I start getting swamped with uni or actually go to a monday flex class!

All the best!
Xx

R

Life Changing Decisions

Hey lovelies,

I just wanted to update you on some HUGE decisions I’ve made in the past week that will have a huge effect on my future. None of them come into play immediately, however I’ve already started saving and doing research because….

I’ve decided to teach in Japan once I’ve finished my degree!!

 

I’ve always planned on travelling after I finished my degree, but had thought I would teach overseas after a building up a few years experience in Australia. The other night though I realised that a number of my friends had been accepted by programs to teach abroad and thought why not. Why keep pushing off my dreams when they’re within reach earlier. Why risk becoming complacent and set in my ways and never travelling instead of just doing it now. Get out of my comfort zone, force myself to do what I want to do.

 

I’m pretty terrified about this decision but I am so excited too. Since I made the decision I’ve been incessantly research and watching youtube videos about Japan and teaching in Japan. I still have a year and a half before I complete my degree, so I’ll begin applying to different programs like JET during that last half year. There are high levels of competition for these overseas jobs, but I have a really good record at uni (averaging at a distinction grade – which i plan to improve) and am really enthusiastic (and honestly pretty attractive as well :’D) so fingers crossed!!

 

The other big thing that may come with this decision, is my boyfriend is thinking of moving there with me. Yes you heard that right! He’s thinking that we should move in together in Japan!!! EEEEeeehhhhhh!!! I love that we’re thinking of moving forward together and making plans for almost 2 years in the future 🙂 God I love this man

Okay, so now to the less exciting news hahaha

I’m going to be picking up a monday ‘flex’ class at the same place I do silks (because it has the same teachers). This will mean that even before the first month of the year is out I will be moving towards one of my resolutions, go me!

I will also be picking up Japanese as a hobby with both my boyfriend and my best friend (who’s already told me she’s super jealous since she’s always wanted to go to Japan). This means that at least 3 times a week I should be able to practice and try to learn Japanese. I can’t afford real lessons unfortunately, but I will be getting some super cheap language and country guides thanks to working in a bookstore haha!

In other notes, I had to replace my tires this week, $540 AUD 😥 but I also got new windscreen wipers from my dad AND am currently typing this from my mum’s house. I’m spending a week with my mum and her husband and it’s super relaxing. We’re mainly just watching movies and TV and having lazy meals (I’m ignoring all food rules and eating whatever the heck I want currently).

So yeah, that’s pretty much me for now, but I just wanted to let you all know some of these HUGE developments in my life. Let me know in the comments if you’ve been to Japan and have any advice for me 🙂

cya later lovelies 🙂
Xx

R

My Not so Happy New Years

Hey lovelies! I hope you all had an amazing (or at least not shit) night 🙂

Unfortunately my New Year’s Eve was absolutely atrocious and almost ended with my relationship ending, and that’s not even me being dramatic. Let me explain.

 

My day started at 5 (fucking) 30 in the morning, when I woke up ‘naturally’, despite going to sleep at midnight. The last couple of days I’d been a bit off colour, so when I woke up feeling like shit I knew it wouldn’t be a fun day. I eventually mozied downstairs and had a handful of tomatoes and green tea before heading to work. My 9-5:15pm shift was the slowest, most painful shift I’ve had in the last month and a half and , all of this didn’t do anything to improve my mood leading up to a long night out.

Despite this I ended up at a small house party of 10 or so people with my boyfriend after work. By this point I was feeling terrible because I’d had a full day of food (read way too many carbs and cals) and just wanted to sleep. I tried to pull myself together and have a good time, I really did. I drank my wine, talked to everyone, played a few games and drank some more. But I was so tired. I started dozing off anytime I sat down for more than a few minutes and couldn’t wait to get home and to bed (even if the taxi was going to cost a fortune!). But that’s obviously not how my night ended.

 

I got back up at 11:30ish and rejoined the group in anticipation for the big count down. There were sparklers, flashing lights, drinks and a lot of laughs. It was fun, but it was also the signal to my brain that it was ok to leave now, that in 10-20 minutes we could make tracks. But by this point my boyfriend was quiet drunk. He stopped noticing me, didn’t hear my meaning when I reiterated how tired I was, didn’t see me trying not to fall asleep on the couch (even though his friends were offering me a place to nap). He was too drunk to see or care. Too drunk to function.

Eventually I came back out to the group on the patio, where my boyfriend decided to show me some chick’s titty baring photo on instagram and then bring up threesomes (within earshot of our friends). Whilst we had talked previously about the possibility of one, we’d both decided that we just couldn’t ‘share’ each other with someone else. We were just both too vulnerable and insecure for it to end well. We’ve had to talk about it because we’ve received offers before. I’ll admit, they were mainly made to me by other women who were interested in me, however I’ve always turned them down (politely) because I know our relationship and I know neither of us would be comfortable with the situation. However when my boyfriend brought it up at the party he was telling me that someone else had told him they’d be down for one with us. Apparently this person was overseas and I just didn’t understand what had happened really.

Well I turned around and reassured my boyfriend that the only person I wanted to sleep with was him. This is when shit really hit the fan. He responded saying that I didn’t want sex with him because he was too small (which I have never said AT all). I was hurt, especially since I had literally talked to him just hours before about how my sex drive had risen recently. I was hurt, and went to the bathroom to cry. I blamed my watery eyes on allergies since there was a cat there.

By the time I got back out to the group they had migrated to the man-cave/shed, inside of which my lovely, charming boyfriend has ‘fallen asleep’ in a chair. I took the one next to him and he moved to lean on me. This is when I absolutely knew the night was over for me. He’d drunk so much he’d passed out. If you aren’t familiar with some of my older posts, my boyfriend has a history of issues with alcohol. Early on in our relationship we had to cal an ambulance for him. Since then he’s improved by apparently not that much. He’d pass out, on one of the few nights that we actually get to enjoy a few drinks together.

To cut a long story short, I ended up having to ask the one deso to drive out of his way to drop us at my BF’s house because he was too drunk to walk back to the place we had planned to crash at. When we got home I set him up with a towel and bucket in bed, and took a blanket and slept on the floor.

 

TLDR; BF got super drunk, said hurtful things, passed out and I slept on the floor.

 

I ended up texting a friend, cried a bit more, then fell asleep. He and I eventually made up in the morning but I had a terrible night.

 

In other news, I had a few New Year’s Resolutions I wanted to share with you all.

 

  1. Increase and maintain my workout per week to 3 times (from my current 2)
  2. Try to eat healthier (read more greens, less take away and sugar)
  3. To be more focused on my studies this year
  4. To start budgeting more seriously and save enough money to buy a new bed
  5. Get down to and maintain at 65kg

and 6. give up alcohol (along with my bf). This one was one we agreed on because I told my BF that I couldn’t, wouldn’t be with someone with an addiction.

 

Anyway, this is a super long post (apologies) but I just needed to get it all off my chest. I hope you all had a great night though 🙂

Let my know your resolutions, if you have any, in the comments!

 

Xx

R