Struggle City (Extra Long Vent)

This week has been shit. My motivation is non-existent, meaning I haven’t gone to any classes, and I’ve barely been able to prepare for a presentation I have to do tomorrow. My other classes start back next week, and my timetable is just not working for me at all. The main problem though has been my job.

For a quick back story, I have been working at this place for almost 3 and a half years now, through 2 different sets of management. I use to love it there. Now I don’t. Mainly because my floor manager is not a great manager; showing favouritism, having issues with leave (despite us being casuals) and a growing sense of self-importance. I use to actually consider this woman a really good friend of mine, but now we rarely speak outside of work.

Yesterday, I received the roster for the coming fortnight, and was surprised to see that not one, but both of my weekly shifts had been cut. This would have been ok if it was the same for everyone, however I am the only person with reduced shifts while others have been given extras. I cried for about an hour. I almost sent an angry message to the floor manager about the roster. I spent half an hour over a toilet thinking I was going to hurl. All I could think was what have I done now? Why do they hate me so much? When did things change so much?

Work has been having such a terrible effect on my mental health lately, but last night I suffered from insomnia, getting maybe 4 hours of sleep, and a crushing sense of panic. It wasn’t anything sudden or even over powering, it just felt like a fist was around my heart, not squeezing but just hard and immovable. When I got my roster at about midday I had to call my mum. I felt like shit, I was being treated like shit, and I had been given no explanation to why my over a year long regular shifts had been changed.

I get the feeling it’s my  manager’s way of trying to make me leave, and if that’s the case she’s been successful. I’ve already decided. This Saturday/Monday I will be rewriting my resume and dropping it to relevant shops throughout the week. As soon as I find a position elsewhere, I will be giving the store 2 weeks notice and getting out of that toxic environment. I love my shop, and I adore my customers who I will miss more than my coworkers, but my brain and my emotions can no longer take being treated this way.

I broke yesterday. I ate a lot. I ate meat. I enjoyed it and then I felt sick. I gorged myself. It made me feel better, and then it made me feel ill. I ate all of today. Carbs, fats, sugar. Anything and everything. My body is craving fruit and veg and nutrients, but I can’t stomach anything else.

I need to get back into control of my life.

Tomorrow is a tea and fruit day. Tomorrow will be better.

But the thought of Friday, and having to go back to work again, has me running to the bathroom.

Help me stay strong,

Xx
R