What am I doing?

Some days I feel super motivated, I get this brilliant urge to clean and cook and study. It’s like a rush.

Today wasn’t that but it wasn’t dark either. I’m lower than I was the other day when I posted, but no where near where I was a fortnight ago; so that’s good.

 

Yesterday I actually went to a lecture and tutorial, which is a big step from last semester. The tutorial was boring, as it was primarily aimed at first year students and I’m a 3rd year, but I really like my lecturer. He has a habit of getting side tracked and talking about the history of drugs and diseases.

I went and bought a couple of stationary items, and I must admit that even having a new book and weekly planner helped me start focusing on my classes. I wrote down when all my assignments are due, so I can try to stay on top of it and prioritize, and then I found the cutest dress ❤ It’s a little black dress with pink floral designs on it and ties up at the back. I spent a bit more money than I had planned, but I just couldn’t resist buy that dress, especially as I went looking for one just like it a couple of weeks ago. Definitely a little pick me up 🙂

I did some arts and crafts this morning, and despite feeling the need/ability to actually focus on my uni work I just read instead. It’s like despite being ready and willing to do the work, my brain is still a little too overwhelmed by everything, but I am getting there slowly.

Unfortunately my scales were wacky this morning, showing 5 different weights, up to 2kgs more than yesterday! I was so freaked out, I kept hopping on and trying again. Even now I don’t really know what my weight today was, but considering I had a kinda bad food day yesterday I’m thinking it was the 66.9kg reading that I got twice, not 68.9 :/ Is it even possible to gain 2.5 kg’s overnight??

So far today all I’ve had is some water with some lemon for flavour, but I’ll probably end up having maccas for dinner :/ Any lower cal suggestions?

 

Laters!

R

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Slowly Dropping

Hey lovelies!

Just a quick update before I pop over to by bf’s house, but despite my stress eating lately and inability to calorie count I’ve still been slowly dropping weight. Even though I had a huge food weekend followed by a day of sickness, I’ve lost about half a kg, putting me at my lowest weight in like 3 years!!

I’m now 66.5kg.

I don’t like that number, but about a month ago I was at 70kg. Little steps are still steps.

My next goal weight is 60kg and I feel like that’s so much more attainable now that I’ve already lost what I have. I don’t know how I’ll go but if I lost 3.5kg in about a month, 6.5 seems so much more possible.

I don’t know how I’m even losing weight, I feel like I’m constantly eating 800+ calories a day. I noticed that even things like doing the cleaning at work counts as a little work out which is good for me because it means I work of calories AND look like a good employee hahaha!

I was bad today, but it’s been one of the first mentally good days I’ve had for a while, so I don’t care too much that I had maccas, but I’m having take away nachos for dinner with the bf. Double takeaway isn’t what I wanted for the day, but I’m focusing instead on how my head feels lighter and brighter today. You have to role with the highs when you can.

 

Hope you all have a great day/night!

Ps. I have been in love with these American Eskimo dogs lately ❤ 

Xx

R

Goal Weight!

I reached my first goal weight today!! 😄 I’m so happy, it’s taken so long for me to reach it, despite it being a small goal. But I am ecstatic that despite all of the craziness in my life I have been able to do this one small thing. 

When I get paid I plan on rewarding myself with getting my nails done. I haven’t changed sizes yet so I’m saving my clothes shopping until then 🙂 

Have an amazing day lovelies, and stay strong ❤ I know we can all reach our goals, no matter how small or impossible they seem. 

Xx

R

Holy Shit Level Relief

I can’t even describe how much better I am feeling today. It’s just so much lighter and brighter.

I went into work yesterday and had a talk with my floor manager, in which I was told why my shifts had been cut (mainly for the reasons I had thought), but then I was given that chance to actually tell my side of things. Once I had finished talking, the floor manager apologized for both her rash actions and for hurting me, and admitted that she regrets not hearing my side of things before acting.

We were both able to stay respectful of each other and stay calm throughout the conversation, despite the tears we both shed. One of the reasons I think it went so smoothly is because I wasn’t throwing accusations, went in without attitude, and shared her frustration at the high school level of bitchiness we’re now having to deal with.

What happened still hurts, but that pain being acknowledged as valid and having the floor manager apologize for causing it has been incredibly helpful for my state of mind.

I have to admit that I had a mild panic attack before actually going to work, and spent the hour after on the phone to my mum basically crying from relief, but it was definitely worth the stress of going in.

 

 

In other good news, I checked the scale for the first time since all this stress hit me, and expecting it to be disgusting due to my stress eating, I’m actually 0.3kg away from my first GW!! Closer than I’ve ever been before!! 😀

Once I get ride of those last 300 grams of fat I’m gettin my nails done! Woo hoo!!

Thank you all so much for helping me through these last few days of absolute stress and mayhem, being able to write about everything is what’s been getting me through it all.
Today’s Food Plan:

Breakfast: Chai Tea w/ sugar (20 cal)

Lunch: Small Apple (80 cal)
Sprite Zero (0 cal)

Dinner: Having dinner with my boyfriend, so not sure yet. So I’m allocating all my cals, except for a small lunch, for homemade dinner with him.

 

Have an amazing day/night everyone,
Stay gorgeous!

Xx
R

 

Upday Vs Today

Yesterday was a good day, my mood was up, the sun was out and I went to class and presented. It wasn’t perfect but it was a good head day. I didn’t count calories, I just enjoyed feeling better.

Today is already worse but the good day has made me feel stronger and more in control of myself again. I’m going to be better with my calories today. I’m seeing a friend in 20 minutes for coffee, but then I’m going to talk to my floor manager at work about my shifts. I’ve already cried this morning talking to dad about it.

I didn’t want to go in and talk about my shifts, because I already know what to expect from my floor manager. She’s going to get defensive in 0.2 seconds, and then start making me feel like shit. But I’m going in. I am going to talk to her calmly and professionally about how I need my hours back, and that I feel unfairly treated as I was the only person with reduced hours on this roster. I will probably cry but I will remain calm, speak clearly, not accuse her or get angry at her. I will tell her my side of the story, and tell her I feel hurt by her not asking my side of the story. I will tell her I feel punished for doing exactly as I was told last weekend, which was to be more friendly with another staff member. I will finally tell her what the other staff members have been doing as well, which I haven’t up to this point because I felt it was unnecessary to get them in trouble with the full timers, but since they’ve done this to me, fuck them.

Will update you on how it goes late.

Wish me luck, I’m so scared
Xx

R

Ps. Thank you for checking up on my Liz! It started my morning off so nicely ❤

Struggle City (Extra Long Vent)

This week has been shit. My motivation is non-existent, meaning I haven’t gone to any classes, and I’ve barely been able to prepare for a presentation I have to do tomorrow. My other classes start back next week, and my timetable is just not working for me at all. The main problem though has been my job.

For a quick back story, I have been working at this place for almost 3 and a half years now, through 2 different sets of management. I use to love it there. Now I don’t. Mainly because my floor manager is not a great manager; showing favouritism, having issues with leave (despite us being casuals) and a growing sense of self-importance. I use to actually consider this woman a really good friend of mine, but now we rarely speak outside of work.

Yesterday, I received the roster for the coming fortnight, and was surprised to see that not one, but both of my weekly shifts had been cut. This would have been ok if it was the same for everyone, however I am the only person with reduced shifts while others have been given extras. I cried for about an hour. I almost sent an angry message to the floor manager about the roster. I spent half an hour over a toilet thinking I was going to hurl. All I could think was what have I done now? Why do they hate me so much? When did things change so much?

Work has been having such a terrible effect on my mental health lately, but last night I suffered from insomnia, getting maybe 4 hours of sleep, and a crushing sense of panic. It wasn’t anything sudden or even over powering, it just felt like a fist was around my heart, not squeezing but just hard and immovable. When I got my roster at about midday I had to call my mum. I felt like shit, I was being treated like shit, and I had been given no explanation to why my over a year long regular shifts had been changed.

I get the feeling it’s my  manager’s way of trying to make me leave, and if that’s the case she’s been successful. I’ve already decided. This Saturday/Monday I will be rewriting my resume and dropping it to relevant shops throughout the week. As soon as I find a position elsewhere, I will be giving the store 2 weeks notice and getting out of that toxic environment. I love my shop, and I adore my customers who I will miss more than my coworkers, but my brain and my emotions can no longer take being treated this way.

I broke yesterday. I ate a lot. I ate meat. I enjoyed it and then I felt sick. I gorged myself. It made me feel better, and then it made me feel ill. I ate all of today. Carbs, fats, sugar. Anything and everything. My body is craving fruit and veg and nutrients, but I can’t stomach anything else.

I need to get back into control of my life.

Tomorrow is a tea and fruit day. Tomorrow will be better.

But the thought of Friday, and having to go back to work again, has me running to the bathroom.

Help me stay strong,

Xx
R